MEMORANDUM
TO: My family
FROM: Your wife\mother
RE: My breasts
________________________________________________
This is to advise you that, starting October 23rd, 2006 there will be no more unauthorized pinching, poking, squeezing, groping, elbowing, or biting of my mammary glands. I realize it is the only rack in the house. I realize that this has novelty value. However, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. Until further notice, the policy will be for everyone to keep their hands off unless authorized.
Specifications are as follows.
Flip: It is quite true that you still obtain the major portion of your nourishment from the aforementioned rack. I am perfectly okay with that. I am even perfectly okay with you gently stroking one while you nurse the other. I am not okay with you kneading the nipple you are not nursing from with your sharp little baby fingernails. I am not okay with you gumming the nipple like a teether rattle. I am not okay with you insisting on nursing continually between the hours of four and six a.m. You have a soother. It has a purpose.
Minic: I know you feel displaced, but may I remind you that you weaned yourself. That said, you may continue to stick your hand down the front of my shirt for comfort when we are at home only. You may not pinch my breasts, and you may not, repeat may not, use them as a launching pad for your gymnastic attempts. Also, they do not squirt milk for your entertainment. Just because I showed you how they work once does not mean that I am going to do it again every time I change my shirt.
Eric: I know you feel displaced too, but may I remind you that I didn't get knocked up by myself. There is to be no nipple-touching until the baby is oh, I don't know, weaned. Until then, you may touch the other parts, gently, only when invited. Unauthorized groping is likely to get you an unfriendly nudge in some sensitive area.
Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.
FROM: Your wife\mother
RE: My breasts
________________________________________________
This is to advise you that, starting October 23rd, 2006 there will be no more unauthorized pinching, poking, squeezing, groping, elbowing, or biting of my mammary glands. I realize it is the only rack in the house. I realize that this has novelty value. However, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. Until further notice, the policy will be for everyone to keep their hands off unless authorized.
Specifications are as follows.
Flip: It is quite true that you still obtain the major portion of your nourishment from the aforementioned rack. I am perfectly okay with that. I am even perfectly okay with you gently stroking one while you nurse the other. I am not okay with you kneading the nipple you are not nursing from with your sharp little baby fingernails. I am not okay with you gumming the nipple like a teether rattle. I am not okay with you insisting on nursing continually between the hours of four and six a.m. You have a soother. It has a purpose.
Minic: I know you feel displaced, but may I remind you that you weaned yourself. That said, you may continue to stick your hand down the front of my shirt for comfort when we are at home only. You may not pinch my breasts, and you may not, repeat may not, use them as a launching pad for your gymnastic attempts. Also, they do not squirt milk for your entertainment. Just because I showed you how they work once does not mean that I am going to do it again every time I change my shirt.
Eric: I know you feel displaced too, but may I remind you that I didn't get knocked up by myself. There is to be no nipple-touching until the baby is oh, I don't know, weaned. Until then, you may touch the other parts, gently, only when invited. Unauthorized groping is likely to get you an unfriendly nudge in some sensitive area.
Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.
posted by Coco at 9:17 a.m.
14 Comments:
How does Hasselhoff figure into this equation? Is he Hooked on your Oobies?
Do the boys stick cars down your shirt? That is always good for laughs. Or do they pull up your shirt in the front and hide under it in front of others?
Ever think of drawing faces on the boobs? I think that would be cool.
Hasselhoff serves to turn Eric on when he gets too heated about the oobies. A couple of bars of 'Hooked on a Feeling' and I can go to sleep in peace.
*squirts Zombs*
I bet a few other mothers would like to borrow this memo.
Metamucil...metamucil...metamucil.
I have nothing to say. Really. I'm just LMAO, and I'm sorry. But I am.
*sits with Boo*
*snort*
*snort* LMAO
Is this really appropriate today?
Er, I just noticed that I said 'turn Eric on' when I meant to say 'turn Eric OFF'. Oops. He does not have a Hasselhoff fetish, as far as I know.
Monsty, any time is boobie time. See?
*stimulates Zombie's nipples with a pressure washer*
LOL! You need to publish this!
you scares me
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dozer.
Dozer who?
Dozer the nicest oobies I've ever seen! No wonder the boys can't keep their paws off them.
I don't know about anyone else, but the fact that you posted this on Monsty's birthday has given me much joy.
Hi Coco!
*snort*
Yet another reason I am quite glad I am finished with infants and toddlers.
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