How We Met - longer version and cake

Two things before I jump into my fabu story.

1. I made a Cake: four chocolate layers with apricot and walnut filling between each one, and whipped cream over the whole. It is (was) so beautiful and so so so delicious. I almost took a picture.

Why bake a cake when I still have twenty-plus baby pounds to lose? Well, the reasoning goes as follows: if I make reasonably low-calorie and/or nutritious desserts and eat them in sensible portions (believe it or not, the cake is quite light, except for the whipped cream), I will not snack so much on crap. I plan to make healthful cookies for lunches and at least one cake-style item a week.

So far it's working because I haven't had any crappy snacks at all, and I was in two grocery stores today and one the day before.

2. I finally signed up for an aerobics class, something I haven't done for three years. It was a rough slog tonight, but I feel so much better for taking a step in the right direction.

Okay, now for the smut.

Part 1: Pole Polishing

Many years ago, when the earth was new and the Internet was full of socially maladjusted boys, I started playing an online game and met someone. Actually, I met a lot of someones, as my bag of love letters and semi-pornographic photos from the aforementioned boys will attest, but let us not digress, as the quantity of phone and/or Internet sex in my life at that period would distress Bob. One boy in particular decided he was madly in love with me, came to visit, lost his virginity to me (without telling me first) and proposed, all within six months of our meeting.

Now, I hadn't intended to get married at 19, but immigration problems (he was a Polish citizen with an American green card and had moved from Chicago to B.C. for me) caused us to bring forward the wedding date, and, clad in a yellow fifties dress borrowed from Bob and a white lace slip I got at a garage sale (cut in half and worn as a cape to hide the fact that the dress didn't fit), I became Mrs. RidiculousPolishLastname.

As expected, it didn't end well. Pole Boy turned out to be not only socially maladjusted, but also a manic-depressive abusive pothead. At the second-lowest point in our relationship, I cheated on him with his new friend. We tried to reconcile, but this led to the lowest point in the relationship. When the lowest point in your relationship involves an ambulance, it's time to call it quits, and with the help of my friends and family, I did.

At this point in my life, I was seriously disillusioned about men, obviously, so I spent a lot of time getting my life together and finishing my degree. However, this did not prevent me from getting back together with his ex-friend, who we'll call Chip Boy, a few times that spring. Not as a boyfriend-girlfriend thing though, because a) he already had a girlfriend (this is wrong and I am sorry) and b) one night, after I had 'slept over', he poured the leftover chip crumbs into the leftover dip, which had been out all night, and ate it with a spoon. To me, that was a sign we would never ever be anything serious together.

He did have (Bob, I promise you you just do not want to know) the most enormous penis I have ever seen, though. Thick as my wrist. The sex was just okay in retrospect, but at the time I thought it was fabulous because I had had a crush on him for a long time and my pothead ex was not very accomodating in the sex department.

Anyway, my ex was history (although, curiously enough, Sneezy's husband just started working with him; in fact, he was demoted because he's useless and her husband was his boss for a while) and, one night, Chip Boy invited me to go out with him and some of his tree-planting buddies.

This is important. The word 'threesome' may crop up. Stay tuned.